Some men are born with one leg longer than the other and some are born with one leg longer than the length of another whose leg is longer. others of course are born with two legs the exactly same size, and i mean exactly, to the point. However these men play no significant part in this yarn, nor any yarn that is told about a man with one leg longer than the other. Some tales have two men with one leg longer than the other, some three and some four, but it must be said at this point that only one man with one leg longer than the other, shall be mentioned, for simplicities sake. The last thing i would want to do is to complicate anything. The freak in question, is a man named Velvitine Muskrat. Velvitine is in fact one of those few men born with one leg considerably longer than the length of another whose leg is longer. but enough about his ludicrously limbed long limb.
Mr Muskrat was, generally a pleasant man, the kind that would thank a bus driver or tip the paper boy. However in terms of general pleasantness around his cleanliness he was far from it. The kind of man that could harvest fresh crops of button mushrooms from the collar of his stiffly grey work shirt. When he sat eating as is food got eaten, just before he started digesting as his food got digested he would release saliva and corn beef missiles at who ever happened to have the unfortunate disadvantage of sharing a table with him. In fact his eating habits became so famous amongst the South Bramber eateries that not one would allow the poor old man inside anymore. Responsible for the death of two tropical fish, the start of one very nasty divorce, and the hospitalization of the town's only Plummer, who could blame them. Not only for one week were there were all sorts of burst pipes, flooded kitchens, pipes bursting and kitchens flooding but Nancy Mc Gregory from two doors down misses out on a weeks pluming services.
But what Nancy Mc Gregory does with her friday afternoons after countdown has ended and the thought of two days without it is simple unbearable, is nothing to do with the ridiculous event that got such a ludicrous man into this story. ludicrously limbed, and generally unpleasant (in respect of general cleanliness) is all you know so far about our hero. i doubt you even guessed that old man Velvitine would be called a hero. and that in fact from the minute you read the first line, the word hero was not one that you would expect to be reading, have read to you or possibly over heard as the verbal reading of this is read to another who you may or may not be acquainted with. Mr Muskrat is not, it must be said, the kind of hero that walks in the pages of DC comics and saves princesses. Neither is his the type that appears on the front of cd cases staked up high in Asda or left smouldering in a burning bin in the back of a Woolworths, that is now used as a tramps own personal back gammon and snooker room.
Mr Velvitine Albert Muskrat has never been to war, due to his difficult with his leg. Which not only makes walking in circles more common than walking in straight lines but it makes him slow. Slower than the men with two legs exactly the same lenght as each other and slower than the men with any kind of length of longer leg than the other as long as the longer leg was no longer than the leg of our heros very own long leg. but for simplicity sake we shall say it was his generally bad hygiene that prevented his involvement with the armed forces.
He never did enjoy the works of great graphic novelists such as Alex Ross or Alan Moore nor the films staring Steve Mc Queen or James Dean or any others name that is mentioned so keenly by those who write about Mc Queen and Dean that might have heard of Ross or Moore or maybe Alan or Alex. But one thing he did know about heroes is that without the 'R' it's an anagram for shoe, a thought he thought of on a rare occasion when his thinking would lead to thoughts. This thought lead to another that lead him to thinking, how strange that the word 'Hero' should be so remarkably linked to such an unremarkable word.
The End
Oh and he gave blood.
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